Feb 1, 2011, Hate month

I read Pam Sullivan FB post today how she dislikes Feb, I have no love for Feb for sure, I lost Casey Joe my baby boy @ 16 on Feb 10th 1999, 15years earlier I lost His father Joe Ledbetter on Feb 11, 1984, both were buried on Valentines Day.  The first few Valentines day after their deaths I did not want anything for Valentines nor did I want to give anything.  I relized how wrong that was.  I started making  a point to get cards and such for my grandkids and nichole my daughter.  I still really don't care about getting anything that day for myself because my heart is so heavy. Ok I know it has been 12 years for Casey Joe and 27 years for Joe, but give me a damn break at least I am not in a bed, refusing to get up or see anyone or have any use for anyone.  See that is how my heart feels.  I work thru the motions during the first of Feb, after that it gets a little better.  Happens every year without fail.  I have moved forward and learn to deal with the pain but for one or two weeks out of the year I am not worth a shit.  I am human, I know God is with me, that is the only way I am only down for two weeks.  This year is a good year I am not back on the prozac, I am not crying for no reason, I just have to tell my self to breath.  I saw on Nicholes FB page where she had commented on something casey used to tell her about her weight. I laughed He used to tell her no matter how much weight she lost she would always have her ghetto booty.  So funny, I was just happy to hear her talk about him, she loved him so much, I know this month is hard for her too, she just hides it so much better than me. Rarely do I hear her talk about him, I think it hurts her to much. No matter what happened in our lifes it was always us three. Losing Casey cost so much more than anybody relized it would.  He was the man in mine and her life. Losing that piece of our hearts left much pain.
Today Jeanne and I had a great workout, I did not want to go, but she is my encouragement and I am hers so she says. But once I am there the hour passes quickly. I just set my mind to know I will be sweating, tired, and just do it. Now tonight will be a little extra for I have to go to GO4th for my weight meeting, after it we will workout to sweatin with the oldies.  I have wiped my tears now and I am ready to push forward today.  Got over the craving for Candy last night boy I sure could taste it.  Now it's gone. Thanks Lord.