April 19th 730pm forgiviness

Lord forgive for being the mother I once was, for it has left deep and unhealable wounds in the heart of Nichole. I hang my head in shame and beg you to give me the guidance and enduance to step away and let her heal. I love her so very much to hear the anger in her voice . yet knowing I alone put most of that anger there. She has seen the very worst Lord, as much as you . I failed you both .  I know in my heart I am loved by God, just have to reach for it.  But I am human, and sometime that is not enough, I need to feel Nichole touch her beatiful face, feel the touch of her lips againest my check. What must I do to gain that Lord? I know I know in your time,   but I know how wrong I was.  
up till six months ago I sat and watched her travel done those same rocky hard road that I have traveled so many times to know each hole, each curve, where the bridge is washed away. That prayer Lord I thankyou for  answering to see her now strong, indepdent woman. I am so very proud of her even if she got there out of pure spite for me. She just needs to peace. I am not the one to Lead her though, she can only see me with hate filled eyes.   There is a very fine line between love and hate. For her to hate me as much as she says she does, she must have love me a great deal. Let her find that love for me again one day is my prayer, but first let her learn to love you. 

April 16, 2011, Life is so confusing...

Life is so confusing, one minute your up the next you are down way down.  I am still continuing to lose weight. It is slow going but going.  I am in a great deal of pain of late, not my back but my right hip. Cannot sit in hard chairs, even the hummer makes me hurt some. Tried of pain meds but that is just a fact of life at this age.  Got the Divorce papers this week, it will be final around the first of june.
That even blows my mind. I do want this divorce, not to be tied down to one person. I care about Andy. Sometime he just seems like a lost little boy.  His family giving him hell about coming by here for anything. We both do care about one another and on some days want to see each other, then there are other days that we understand fully why we are on this road.  His mother threatens to throw him out of the trailer if he continues to see me. That gets him torn up. But he does not want to come here no more than I want him to. We are great at visiting. But are soooo unable to tolerate each other living together. Up and then down.

Don't have any clue what the hell is happening with me and Nichole. One minute I am the devil the next minute she needs something from me.  I am lost right now, the only one thing that I do know is constant is that I have God in my corner. I just don't turn to him like I should.  I guess the bottom line is I have no clue who I really am anymore.  Joyce has been staying here and that is about to have to end. Tried to help her but she does not want help. I have not seen or heard from her in 48 hours she is back with Mark. Goin pack her shit up this morning and get her stuff out of here. Need sometime to see who I am. All of this has been a whril wind since Andy left.

I have ordered the new pool. Almost vomited spending the money to have it put in. I do know though that I need water to heal with, soak in, live around. No boat so time to have something here to floar in. should be here within 14days then to get it put up again. Hope and pray that the friends that have said will help do help me.   With God all things are possible.  keep saying it over and over again. Oh how little faith I sometime have.

So here I am....lost again....  Lord help to guide and direct me on the way I should go. I am so very tired of thinking this out. 

March 21, 2011, New direction, being alone and free

Lots has happened in the past three weeks, Andy moved out. He decided that since my workman comp check had stopped that is was just too much to pick up the remainer of the bills. So fuck me he left. Now his story is I told him to move out well yes, if you not going to help pay bills then I damn sure don't need ya here. The other story is that I wanted $400 a week for rent from him. RENT really? This was our home but now it is going to be my home. I paniced at first with all the bills facing me and no money but my Lord stood by again as always. I sold the pontoon, and selling the van. that will give me enough money to make it thru the summer to pay house payment and keep everything up until my workman's comp check starts back in August. 
I have had several panic attacks over the last few days but they pass. Just am so overwelmed with the work that needs to be completed here. if I had enough money could just pay for the help but will have to ask friends for help and that bothers me some. Have plenty of food in freezer so will cook a good meal for this bunch and get ready. Then the damn pool caved in too. now that is a night mare. No boat to go the river on and now no water at all to get in the summer in. I am working on that too.

I am recreating myself . I used to do this about every five years but it has been around 10 since I this big major change. As of today when I sign divorce papers I will become Donna Ledbetter again. I love that name. I had many choices of of course. Since being married four times I was told by lawyer could use any that i had in the past. So here was my choices. Clark,(maiden name) Hubbard, (first husband). Never got quite used to Donna Hubbard anyway. Ledbetter( my fav), Norris, (Donna Norris, no that name has a lot of damage with it.), Donna Heavener, (it is dead now.) SOOOO Donna Lee Ledbetter amerges from the ashes. New and improved. Have lost close to 30lbs since christmas, got a new lease on work around here, since I really cannot afford the gym right now, I have so much work here will get the workout I need.
Spent the day powerwashing the deck and the house, did not even stop to eat. But still could not sleep. Insomia is a bitch.

Joyce my ex sister in law has stayed the last few days with me she worked all day in the house yesterday. There is something about a clean house, organized, shit thrown away that just gives you a new sense of being. She will only be here a few more days. That is good not to wear each other out on this. Having to keep it on the down low with the Heaveners they would burn me out. LOL 

Andy has agreed to pay me 125 a week after I shamed him until I get my check started back. He is helping out with one or two things but nothing major and once we sign those divorce papers, that will be it for him. That is ok I guess but he and I both have a lot of loose ends to tie up around here before we can call this marriage quits. I am really ok with him being gone. My freedom means a great deal to me, but the peace that comes with it means even more. Not having to ask if I can do something. Yea the work around here is over whelming but I know the Lord is with me . 

So as of tomorrow Donna Ledbetter will be writing these blogs. Hang in there with me. Still fighting the weight. Moving forward always moving forward...........

march 1, 2011 fast days, long sleepless nighs

Been a busy week or so. Great news i have lost 2 more lbs. missed a whole week of workin out. No excuse for me, jeann was sick wit severe back pain and i was just to lazy to go alone. Paid dearly for that when we went back to gym. Felt like we were startin over again. Damn not goin let that happen again to hard to start again.

Yesterday attend the funeral of my first cousin husband Bart Bartkociak. had live a active and full 88 years to be killed in a terbile auto accident. my cpusin is many years younger than him. They had three beatiful dautghers together. The best thing said about funerals is the fact u get see many family members u have not seen in years. sad part is it makes me think that my own mothers health is declining in front of my eyes. yes much of it is self inflicked but still declinin. I am at hospital todaywit her to get light run iinto stomach. Then Thurs. She will have to come back and get colon light down. joseph also plannin to retake drivers permit test either today or tomorrow.rSooo have many a fast days to live thru this week. No time to think about weight. thank God hospital has wlan so i can @ least work on my blog a bit. Lol foward march as this days moves ahead. god is testin my patience, my steadfastness, and just sittin wit me today as mother does this. I look @ her and see my mother aging, This makes my heart sad to see her give up on life. i love u moma.I take these momentsof time wit her and know to embed thhem in my mind to hold on to forever.

Cleanin up time.... Feb 20th 2011

Short Blog today to much going on.  Finally got started cleaning up laundry room.  Fresh coat a paint, floor braced up and now ready for shane to lay the tile.  I cannot wait to have this room look as nice as the rest of the house. This is the one thing Andy and I do well together. We work on the house.  With all this wonderful sunny Sunday should be out in the yard removing the winter from the ground. I know better. Winter is not gone yet. We will have a few more days of frezzin weather so don't want what is in the ground to die.  Come the first of March will start on the yard, ready to have the deck cleaned up and a cook out or too.
OK bored right now with this try again later.....

Feb 17th 2011

When I first started this blog I promised myself would open up about my life. I have to a certain degree done that. There is so much more to open up over. WHY? Facing yourself without a mask is far greater than facing any demon out there.  The other day I made the comment how cleaning up and cleaning out around the house is a spirital uplift. That is true but cleaning out the skeletons in the closet of life, cleans out the soul.
I am at the present married to Andy.  Most times Andy is good person. He has deep emotional skeletons in his life also which has damaged him deeply.  When I first meet Andy, I was coming out of the emotional wreck marriage to Billy Ray my third husband, who was a drug addict, and alcoholic. At first our relationship was strictly lust. I still wonder how since I was just coming offf my major IV drug use.  My legs had severe sores on them that were healing but still looked bad. I had reduce the drugs but picked up Whiskey. Our little meetings where alcoholic induced nightmares to say the least. In the daylight we found that we had the same drive to have something more. We were good at working side by side. Andy has always been a hard worker, it was beatin into him at a very young age. His father was extremely abusive. There were five kids four boys and a girl. His father sexually abused his sister also. Some nights Andy would sleep at the foot of his sisters bed to make sure his father stayed away. When all the boys were under the age of 12 there dad came home one night while they were being babysit. Before the babysitter left they all engaged in sex with the babysitter, yes the young boys and all.  That was just a small taste of the insanity Andy lived in. I can assure you it was far more than that. But that does give a small light into how damaged Andy is.  I never knew some of this until after our relationship had grown pretty deep. If I had known I would have ran away quickly.
I moved in with Andy about three months after we first meet. He was working off in Louisanna and only coming home on weekends. I was in a deep money whole at the time so Andy offered up his trailer to help me out. Our getting together was strictly out of need.  Life went on we still party alot but started working to a more stable relationship. Before the year ended we married and brought a house.
We lived in this crazey world for around five years, we both were so sick and tired of the drugs, drinking, party.  Had too many fights to mention.Some of our fights were pretty bad me pullin a gun on Andy, he nearly bite the end of my index finger off one night during a fight. All the insantiy was direct result of drugs and drinking.  We did have a family life with his and my family. Nichole and Casey finally began to relax to know that we were trying to have some type  of home. Around 1996 after the birth of Joseph my grandson, Andy and I started to go to church with his mother. It was only because I knew somehow I had to break the circle of nightmares we lived in for the grandbabies. I just refused to continue to raise kids in the kinda of life we were living.  After about of year of this I gave my lost heart to God. So did Andy. Everything changed.  We still had severe up and downs, I no longer drank, still smoked a little dope, but things were differant. By 1999 I had started to see peace in my life, calm days and nights. Andy was still drinking not as often but still creating problems. Of course the bottom fell out then I lost Casey. Things came to a complete halt at our house, I was nearly crazey. I worked for another two years then finally came home with a back injury.  The only thing that help at all was God. I turned heart and soul over to him.  Andy would go to church with me on Sunday morning but that was about it. My relationship continue to grow with God. Around 2006 I had enough of the drinking. Andy came home one night after working all day, he had been off with the boys drinking whiskey. When he walked thru the door you could see in his eyes evil. His eyes were black. I had sense enough to know not to react to anything he did and he did alot that night. He finally passed out sometime around 1am. By that time I was full of the devil.  When he passed out I took a eye dropper bottle filled it with xanx tab and water. I sat beside him on the bed and dropped drops of the mixture into his mouth. All I wanted was to watch him drop dead. After only a few drops I reliazed I had lost it and stopped putting the mixture into his mouth.  I sat beside his bed and cried until he finally woke up around 7am.  When he sat up in bed, I slapped him in the face. I told him I wanted out. I told him what I had done. He had to go or I did.  He stopped drinking but it did not last long. That summer we seperated for a few months due to the drinking. His family thought I was just being a bitch that his drinking was not that bad. Needless to say they found out. One sunday I had agreed to go with him to lake with the family. The drinking was always bad there. Andy was going from one boat to another when he misstepped, fell over the side rail, and fell into the water. He went under. John his younger brother drove in reached only the hair of his head and pulled him out saving his life. He had broke his ribs, was in bad shape. He stopped drinking.....
He joined me more and more often in church activites.  I know he has tried so many times but somewhere down the line mine and his relationship has taken differant roads.  He now has his bedroom and I have mine. We still have the drive to work together most of the time.  Here we are today.  I am involved several nights a week in fellowship type works. He comes sometime. He does not enjoy most of it. So I stopped making him come. We are not one. we are most certain two differant people.  We used to fight every Monday night about my cooking for Living Free. He has finally reliazed I am going to do this with or without him. He still makes comments on Monday night.  He does not understand my need to have Monday nights.
So here is the truth of this relationship.   We are both up around 4am everyday, no words are hardly spoken. I clean house, he gets ready for work, takes out garbage, feeds dogs by 530 he is out the door. We don't see or hear from one another till 4pm when he come home from work.  I have his supper ready, we have light conversation. Several nights a week I leave by  5-530 to go to a meeting. Monday, Tuesday, Wed, and sometime Thursday. I get home around 8:30pm, some nights he has went to bed , other nights he is in bed by 9:30.  The weekend varies, we might eat out one night out of a month. We sit at a table, order food, make light conversation. If we have the grands with us the conversation is centered around them.  We live together but live two differant lives.  Neither of us are happy.  Maybe I should say I am not happy with us.  He has to speak for himself.  I do care about Andy, I came to the conculsion, I cannot fix him.  It is all I can do to maintain my own sanity.  I tried so many years to help him. I did fiqure out that I could difusse things or make them alot worst. When he comes home upset about anything that has happend in his day, I have enough sense to keep my mouth shut, because most times it has nothing to do with me. I am just the one who he vents it toward. I just look at him and say, I know you are really not upset with me so what happen today. Boy does that make a diffeance around here.  Not as many bombs go off. We are just here right now, waiting , each day just tmoves into the next.  I have thought of getting a divorce many times. I just cannot deal with all that pain and loss. He cannot either. We do depend on each other to fill sometype of need we have. 19 years of living together keeps us here. OK close your mouth as not to let the flies in. Yes this is the reality of my life right now. I accept full responiblity for my actions that I play in this marriage. It started out as a marriage of need. I cannot expect it to be more than that now.  We both know that we were never in Love.  Now Andy's version of this is might be differant, he never has wanted to admitted to the truth of nothing.That was the family rule in his house when they were young. Hard to out grow that. There is nothing I am going to do right now, bitch maybe, change anything? No.  One mask off>>>>>

Reality, feb 16th 2011

I had said at the begining of this blog that I was going to drop my mask and face my reality as it is.  That has not been easy. Somethings have just been left unsaid so not to bring anything to surface but here goes.  Over the last couple of weeks recieved a call from my lawyer. I draw good money from a workman's comp injury I recieved in 2002. Since 2004 I have drawed a weekly wage. The company I was working for has now decided they wanted to finish paying me out their part. So I agreed. Their portion of this workman comp settlement would end in Aug of 2011.  So they would owe me 24 weeks at a certain base. When they depoisted the check into my account it was short $7000 dollars. Needless to say I called my lawyer and he did not know what had happen. Don't you just hate that when a lawyer don't know either. Anyho. The company had over paid me in 2003 to 2005 around 137 weeks 50 dollars a week to  much. I had forgotten about it because thought they were recupping their money each week. NOT SO.  Now my checks have stopped , short $7000 dollars.  I nearly fainted, Yes I have asked God to help out here. But here is the thought on that. Yes God will be there with me but he also gives me the sense enough to know the money I have now much be budget with commen sense to last until Aug. I could go out and blow this money and look up to God and say hey what's up where were you.?  That is not how it works.  God is always there, always will be, I have to take respondiblity for my own actions.  In Aug the Tn Secondary Injury fund will take over and start back paying me the same amount I was recieving until I am 66 and 2 months.  Time to tighten my belt.

Good news beyond money is I have lost two more pounds.  So all my crying yesterday was just that crying. Do the work, eat healthly, turn to God for strength, weight will come off.  Slowly... Today my prayer is this.
God help me to have the ablility to hold out to do the work in the gym, in everyday life to increase my activity, the sense to eat healthly, uplift this temple of my body to you, that I have so badly abused.  Guide me through these money whoes. Give me the mental ablility to think this thru, keeping my bills payed. Most of all Thank you for the outstanding blessing you have given me time after time. Amen.

During this ecomeny downfall, I have not been affected, now I am. No ones fault, just life in the fast lane. Yep I will make sure I have plenty of Gas, will have to plan my trips carefully, but this is just a thing. As I have always said it is just money. With Gods help I will make it to the other side....