Welcome to the mind of the insane

January 27, 2011  Morning, first day of blog, meeting my sister at Lions Den to begin jounery of working out. I am morbid obsese, and hate my body. So I thought would start this blog to give me a push and hold me in account of what I am trying to do. What am I trying to do, Lose weight get healthy, try and prevent my early death if I remain in this condition. When I married the first time @ 18 I was a size 4 today I am size 26. I almost threw up writing that down, it is the first time I am having to admitt to what and who I am.
I could give all kind of excuses of how I got here but mainly I am a food addict, lost in drowning my emotions in whatever I can shovle in my mouth.  I have a relationship with God but at this point I am not sure how firm it is when he cannot trust me to take care of this body he has loaned to me. 

The road to becoming morbid obsese has been full of emotional pitfalls,high speed roads and my ablility to have completely lost my mind several differant times. As most women I started gaining weight with the birth of my first Child Nichole, in 1977, I fought and lost a great deal of the 50 lbs I put on. My dress size went from 4 to 12, stayed there until the birth of my second child Casey in 1982, moved on up to size 14-16. Within two years of Casey birth, my second husband the kids dad was shot and Killed by his first cousin while we were at a club. I was standing beside him when I turned around he was laying dead on the ground, I slipped out of reality that night into a blur of living. Went from a size 16 back to 12.  damn what a way to remember that nightmare by the size I was.
Anyho, The next two years I spend in a court of Law being the only witness to this nightmare, I was so scared and lost all the time, yet everyone kept telling me how strong I was, yea for all they knew. Night time was the worst, so I sit up all night in fear of who was coming to kill me.  For there were a few that wanted to for sure.   I ended up married within two years to Billy Ray Norris, went back to collage to make my LPN license a RN license. I started eating at night when I was alone. By 1986 I had finished school and was married to Billy Ray. He was a full blown acholic, I had  made a terrible mistake, but instead of fighting him I ended up joining this nightmare and started using drugs. The drugs I used made me hungery, so now at night I ate and ate and ate.  By the time I divorced him I had grown to a size 20.  I met and married Andy Heavener within a year of my divorce he did not mind the weight.  By this time I had pretty much put my babies thru a living hell, moving them around, they not knowing what idiot had taken over their mothers body, one minute I was happy, laughing the next was ready to whip everyone in the house. It drew deep lines in the sand between me and Nichole, I don't blame her at all, I was a living nightmare to her.  As the years passed I continued the drugs and severe night time eating, my size keep inching up. By 1999, My baby boy Casey died after having surgery for a simple shoulder reduction. My world finished crumbling.  It has been 12 years since his death. I am not nearly as insane but my size as increased to a 26.

I took the emotional insanity of my life and placed it all in my mouth. It was more acceptable to everyone for me to eat than to cry all the time, or stay locked up in the house. So that is what I did. 
Now here I am facing a reality that I have run from by sitting up late at night while everyone esle in the world is asleep, lost in this emotional pain that I feed.
I have learned in the past few months to stop the night time eating, first I am facing my emotional self. I am handing everything over to God and begging him to give me strength to see myself for who and what  I am and know no matter what esle may fail in my life God does not.

Now there has been many upsets in the past couple of years that have thrown me for a loop. But I will open up as my heart allows me too. So as my Life in the Fast Lane began it seems thousand of years ago, I am rounding a curve making me slow down and see myself again,  I have fought drug addiction, death of my loved ones, death of my child, a great deal of loss but so much more in blessing than I can explain. So welcome to the World of Donna Lee. I blog for me. God knows and see me for who I am, now I must drop the mask of make believe and I will let you in this insanity that I live in as I fight for my life. SO today I start the workouts, I have cut the food down, learning to understand that I can like myself for who and what I am with the power of God. Join me   always me donna lee